Friday, August 23, 2013

The Hateful Letter, #Narcissism, and #Bullies

I have been asked by more than one person to do a blog post on my opinion about the letter that was anonymously written and delivered to a Canadian family last weekend. I have been reluctant to do so for a few reasons. None of which are popular with the autism community, so I tend to stay out of these conflicts. I wish I could respond like everyone else, and have an emotional reaction that outweighs my logic on these sorts of events, but I don't. I've been a lot of places in my life, and seen a lot of things. More so than the average person in respects to places that most would call unpleasant, dysfunctional, and dangerous. It's these experiences that have left me with a realistic view of people. Some people are not nice. Some are sometimes. Most are most of the time, and a small fraction of people are so dark that they are devoid of any human conscience at all.
They may know right from wrong, but they don't feel it. I don't tend to address those people in any kind of way, because it is a useless thing to do.There are some of this type that it does do some good to shame them back into a corner by exposing their behavior, and cutting off their supply of people to reflect a positive image back to them, but only some.

The reason I don't get quite so worked up as most about these situations is not because I don't think the issues that are surrounding them are worthwhile to discuss. I do. I also know that a person that full of hate is not going to change. Period. I see it as pointless to write to them in an open letter kind of way. That person doesn't care about disability rights, or anyone's rights. There is no way that the person that wrote that letter is going to be so moved by anything I write here that they will suddenly change their ways. This is someone who looks at a special needs child everyday, and feels nothing but contempt that his imperfections (as they would view it) are clouding up her perfect world. After all, she is so awesome, and deserving that she shouldn't have to deal with such atrocities. Her family is entitled to live in a place that doesn't have his kind near. I know that it's hard to understand that amount of lack in empathy, but it does exist, and I truly believe that person that wrote that letter is unchangeable. You can't squeeze remorse from someone who doesn't feel guilt, at least in the same sense you, or I do. All you can do is manage them.

So, how do you do you manage a narcissistic, possibly psychopathic person who has no regard for other's feelings, or rights?

First of all, as unpopular as this statement is going to be.... I am gonna make it anyway. As far as I can tell the nasty neighbor didn't break any laws. She was rude, and she was hateful, but she didn't threaten anyone, and she doesn't constantly put notes under their door, or harass the family, as far as I know. Should there be a law against this sort of hate speech? Maybe, but there isn't one now, so the police cannot do anything. It sucks, but we can't charge a person with an offense if the offense isn't a crime. The most that I can see coming out of this would be filing a restraining order, which would possibly force the writer to move. Problem solved. Or, a civil suit, but that is only if the police can positively identify the person who wrote the letter, and so far this hasn't happened, but I am holding out hope it might.

Secondly, I am glad that there has been a lot of support given to the family, and the autistic young man, Max.  This needs to happen for a variety of reasons. For one, the obvious reason is that the family needs as much support as they can get, because bullies only win when the victim has no power. This family has the attention of the entire nation, and then some. We are all ready to help in any way we can. There are strength in numbers.

Thirdly, this type of narcissistic behavior can be very contagious. That is how narcissistic bullies work their way around people. They believe they must be better than others, but they can't truly feel comfortable just thinking about it.  They must rally others around them to support their assertions. They have to feel reinforced, and validated in their superiority. In order for them to feel better than other people, they have to get rid of anything in their environment that might suggest otherwise. Sometimes, it's just the presence of other's weakness that makes them uncomfortable, because it reminds them of their own deeply, deeply buried vulnerabilities, and they can't face that in themselves, so they have to get rid of it from every angle. That is when they begin rallying others around them to join in.  Their life is like a carefully constructed movie that they choose the characters, and the plot.  It all centers around them, because they have to be the center of everything, all the time. They don't care what others think, feel or do. They only care about how any of it reflects on them, the main character in their fantasy world. The boy next door is not "normal" to the letter writer. She lives in a prestigious neighborhood, and he doesn't fit into her fantasy life of awesomeness. Her world is not perfect, and that means she may not be perfect, and she cannot accept that. So, she sets out to fix it. She speaks to the other neighbors about Max.(This is in reference to the part of the letter where she cites other people feeling the same way, but not having the guts to speak up) She carefully, maliciously, and calculatingly convinces a small (or large) group of people that people like Max are not welcome in their neighborhood. There are some people that are easily influenced, and charmed. The letter writer is a very astute manipulator. She wields a long tale of 'us' vs 'them' that some of the people in the neighborhood buy. Though, they never would have thought that way if left alone, without influence.  This is where it is important for us to publicly, and emphatically stand behind Max, and his family. The rest of the neighborhood is likely not inherently devoid of human conscience. They will do the right thing, most of the time. We have to steal away the supply of people willing to support the letter writer. Without anyone to stand behind her she is powerless. She isn't going to change her ways. She is who she is, but she can just keep her hate to herself. If she is not met with approval, and possibly even persecuted for her behavior socially she will probably go away, and leave Max, and his family alone.  Not because she feels guilty, but because she isn't getting her way, and her image is tarnished. This is what I am striving for. There will always be the hateful bullies, but they can't get as far if the rest of us stand against them.

12 comments:

  1. I think you've made a very accurate assessment of the situation. I couldn't agree more. As horrible as the letter writer's attitudes are, we can't change them and she will likely never change. But supporting the family and letting other people know how unpopular those sentiments are does help. Great post.

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  2. You nailed it. I'm a therapist and I'm raising a kid on the spectrum. I've seen a ton of narcissists and I always tell people "they have to find their disciples". You addressed this writer's attempt at doing that in the neighborhood so her narcissism and ego are fueled, because essentially she's a coward. Great post.

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    1. I'm glad she wasn't able to find her following. It often doesn't always work that way with them, and their smear campaigns. I feel the only way to solve this kind of hate is to educate others about these types of people, and address the victims, and not the haters. The haters can't cause so much damage if they don't have help.

      Thanks for your comment!

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  3. I am not into the issue about the letter and hadn't heard about it until now, but your description of narcissists and how they operate it spot on!

    I hadn't even thought of it that way before - how they rally people around them, how it is contagious and how the best strategy is to cut off their supply of people... Not to make them change (because they won't) but as damage control; to "steal away" their power to hurt.

    Brilliant description.

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    1. Wow, I thought I'd be reporting on old news here! I almost hesitated on writing for a lot of reasons, but one being that I thought it was had been talked to death already.

      Thanks for reading. I appreciate it!

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  4. Totally agree with you. I too have met many different types of people, and know that there are some ugly-spirited people out there, who will never change. Because they don't see any need to - it's always other people, THEY think, who are in the wrong. I've had the misfortune to be in relationships with people like this - twice!! Also that taking their power base away from them is the best way to handle them.
    So, generally, i feel what you've written is not at all controversial - it's basically just common sense. :)

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    1. Thanks! I guess it is common sense, but I often find people don't like to hear it. Like I said on my page, I never know if what I write is going to be controversial, or not. I often can't gauge how upsetting my words may or may not be.

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  5. You are spot on with this one. The main thing is that the child and family are supported as you say because bullies only retain power so long as others keep silent.

    I agree that there are no real legal options except the ones you've outlined but I doubt there is anything really to fear from this person.

    You are right - this is a person with some sort of personality disorder, making them incapable of empathy. They are probably sitting back right now, basking in the outrage. This is what these people do. Victim impact statements have no effect on them. You have to turn off the supply. The supply in this case being the pleasure they gain from causing discomfort. And call them out ... call it what it is. Make other people see what it is. These are the only tools you can use against someone like that.

    Excellent post and it should be widely read.

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    1. I'm trying to figure out what exactly the letter writer really thought they'd achieve with what they said. Did they think that Max would move? Did they hope that his family would be ashamed of him, and hide him away? I wonder if they thought the rest of the neighborhood would back them up? Either way, I doubt they wanted to cause what they did. I'm thinking that they thought the rest of the neighborhood would back them up.

      Thanks for your comments!

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  6. very good way to look at things and you are definitely right about how a narcissist tries to manipulate. no one should be offended by your comments because they are very good! as a dad to a 13 yr old on the spectrum of course if i received something like that i would go ballistic but wouldn't go next door and whoop her or anything ha! all we can do is pray for people like that and pray the God changes their hearts because you are right, nothing we say or do will.

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    1. Thank you! I would want to whoop her, lol, but I wouldn't, either!

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