Tuesday, August 12, 2014

It's Not a Choice #depression

There is this graphic that I see passed around the internet from Facebook to Twitter, and undoubtedly other areas of the net that I don't frequent. I can't find it at the moment, but it features a man on what looks like a bus with two opposing views. On the right side the man has a view of a gray, gloomy terrain. He is leaning against the window sullen, and despondent. On the left side the view is bright, cheerful, and sunny. The man looking out this side of the bus wears a happy disposition. The graphic states that we choose the view.

Every time I see this graphic I want to scream.

Being Me

One major change that I have been working on in my life is not caring what others think of me. It is not true that people on the spectrum don't care what other people think about us. I do care, and I know others that do, too. What I don't care about is impressing people with status symbols, like clothes, cars, and a big nice house, ect..

However, I very much care if someone thinks I am annoying, stupid, ugly, a bad mom, or a host of other negative personal attributes. Not knowing always how to read people, and how to gauge situations I have learned to cope by playing it safe, and not saying, or doing anything until I am 100% certain it is appropriate to the situation.

I have stopped doing that. Now, if I feel like saying or doing something I do it. I worry that others' will think less of me for doing so, but the truth is I have to be me. I am tired of painting myself in the corner just to blend in. I'm going to do what I want for a change.

Sure, maybe not everyone will like what I do, or say, but that's fine. One of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn (and to be honest I am still learning it) is that not everyone is going to like me, and I am not always going to like everyone else. It's the way it is. We're not all always going to get along.

What I have found so far is that the less I consume my mind with wondering what others are thinking of me the less I think negative things about others. I simply notice the differences between us, and that's all. I am taking things much less personal these days. It's true that people are still doing the same things that always have gotten under my skin, but it affects me less.

This new outlook has improved my life