Saturday, August 8, 2015

Meltdown Recovery

I have made posts, and talked about meltdowns on my blog before. It's not a new topic for me, by any means, however it's not something that happens to me often. When it does happen it's such a heightened state of emotion that the details of how I feel, what triggered it, and how to recover fades with every hour after I am in a relatively calm state. As usual, I cannot speak for everyone on the spectrum, but I can tell you how I feel, and hope that in doing this that some of what I say may help someone else, especially parents of autistic kids who don't have the ability to explain things. I'm 36, and barely am able to have the insight to be able to advocate for what I need to recover from meltdowns.

This afternoon I had a meltdown. It was an epic one that had been building for quite some time. When it hit I was unable to identify it, and stop the torrent of emotions from flowing out. What triggered it was not one thing, and with me it almost never is. I had been operating above the level of my capacity for a couple weeks now. School enrollment, and appointments have devoured my days. So much paperwork, and talking to people. Social engagements, and all the while keeping up with regular household stuff, too had me teetering. I knew I was teetering, but there was not much I could do. I used every coping skills available to me, but it was not enough. On top of the demands a few different people in this small time frame had treated Bubby poorly. This happens often with him, but usually not in such a small window of time, and one in which I was recovering from so much. (He is not aware of the rejection, or what was said about him in two of these incidents.) Not only was I beyond sad for my big hearted son who does not deserve this, but I was/am feeling as if I failed him in some way. This was the last straw. This took my last spoon, and it was all downhill from there. I had a meltdown, passed out from exhaustion, and have been recovering for the rest of the night.

I once heard from someone on an ASD message board that said the difference between a meltdown, and a panic attack was that a panic attack = "OMG! I'm going to die!!!!" A meltdown = "Omg. I'm going to make you die!" While not all of us are physical I find it an apt description. I felt anxious when I made a status update on Facebook, and that quickly evolved to irrational anger when it was met with well meaning, but not helpful comments.Now, I am sure there are people that think that if I'm going to leave bitchy comments (or say them) then it's fair game for them to respond in the same manner. I suppose that is true. Other people can hold that opinion, but I don't feel the power is equal in that equation. I see it all the time with adults vs autistic kids. They just can't leave the kid alone to recover. Instead they keep picking, and arguing with the kid, further escalating things. When I am in a meltdown situation it's the worst, rawest, most desperate feeling in the world. I am out of control, and my world is spinning. Sometimes I might cry, but that isn't real often. As a matter of fact, not much emotion ever registers on my face, so there is little for the other people in my presence to clue into other than my behavior.

So, what do (usually) well intentioned people usually say when I am having a meltdown situation?


"Have you tried not caring about _______?"  Now this is a fair question. Usually what I am ranting on about seems out of proportion to my emotion. It seems small to others, but in reality what I am on about is often not even what I was upset about to begin with, or was just the last straw that set off the catastrophic firestorm inside of my head. This question feels like an attack to me in the vulnerable state that I am in. It is really downplaying the very real situation that I am trying desperately to gain control of.

"You need to calm down." That one is my favorite one to hate. No one likes to be told that when they're upset, so I really don't feel like I need to explain why I don't like hearing this during a meltdown.

And, the last one isn't so much a phrase, but there's always someone who feels the need to observe all of the errors in which I am not making sense, or how my behavior (to them) is inappropriate to the situation. They feel like for whatever reason right now is a good time to give me the run down on everything they don't like about what I am saying, or how I am saying it, even though this feels extremely patronizing, and is probably the worst thing to do. It is the adult version of taking away privileges for misbehaving, which I am adamantly against any adult doing to a kid in the middle of a meltdown. I know that sometimes we are rude, and difficult during a meltdown. I am not saying that we should just get by with doing whatever we want, and saying whatever we want, but please try to understand that a meltdown is a situation that is likely occurring, because we have exceeded our limits of coping. Help us get back down to a calm level. We likely don't want to be nasty. We want to feel better, but cannot gain control over the situation. We don't need to be told that we are not behaving well. We know this. We just can't stop, and telling us how about the consequences, or that we're not being nice is like throwing gas on a fire. I already feel worthless, and like my world is ending during a meltdown. I don't need to be told more negatives.

So, what is a good response, at least for me?

"I see you are upset/hurting. How can I help?"  or "I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I am here to support you when, and if you need it."

That is it. No criticizing. No arguing with me. And above all  no more demands. Reassure, and support. Not react, and engage.

I have not been back to Facebook to read any comments left. I am absolutely terrified to do so, because I am afraid that people left critical, invalidating comments chastising me for being angry. I will likely just share this post from the share buttons on my blog without having to go to FB, unless I get some courage tonight. I am still feeling pretty vulnerable, and don't want to start the cycle over again.

9 comments:

  1. Its why I had to go off Facebook to be honest. I could not stop posting vulnerable or interesting tidbits to me that other people completely took wrong or as an invitation to discuss. I am sorry you had that experience. It is never any fun to enter meltdown mode.
    Im trying to work on boundaries with people and not allowing much input into my life except for those I really trust...and even then I get meltdowns but this board on pinterest of mine is full of quotes I use to fortify myself:https://www.pinterest.com/KmarieAudrey/quotes-i-believe-in-2-loving-boundaries-balanced-f/ Maybe some of them will make you feel less alone too. Thanks for sharing this vulnerable post. You are fine just the way you are and anyone who tries to change you without walking through it with you first is not worth your time. Again, I am sorry for what happened.

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    1. I do enjoy certain aspects of FB, but not others. I do need to get a Pinterest account. I was able to peek a bit at yours before it kicked me off, and I loved those quotes.

      I really need to think on this part of your reply "You are fine just the way you are and anyone who tries to change you without walking through it with you first is not worth your time" It is so true, and something I'd never thought of quite that way before. Thank you!

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  2. I haven't read your previous posts or the comments left on them, so I can't comment about that, but I do want to thank you for sharing this. As a NT mom of a young adult, I really appreciate the guidance you give in this article. I want to help, but I don't always know how. Thank you so much for sharing.

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  3. oh i agree! what is WITH people and those responses!? seriously, have they even thought about what they just said? like, have they applied it to something in their life that gets them all upset? NOOOO of course not.

    try a little empathy people. and they say AUTISTICS have a hard time with empathy. geesh. i think its the other way around.

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  4. oh i agree! what is WITH people and those responses!? seriously, have they even thought about what they just said? like, have they applied it to something in their life that gets them all upset? NOOOO of course not.

    try a little empathy people. and they say AUTISTICS have a hard time with empathy. geesh. i think its the other way around.

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    1. I agree. It's difficult for them to understand us, and it always seems to be a one way street because we're in the minority.

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  5. I so resonate with this article, as an adult diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, I have had many instances where I have been told to calm down, not stress over etc. and being told this during a meltdown, when all you want to do is actually calm down, is like throwing gasoline onto a fire. Yes it is difficult for others to understand us, but when you have often asked others to just leave you alone once triggered, that you will calm down and even apologise if there is a need, yet they still insist that you calm down immediately knowing you have AS and is the very thing you cannot do in the moment, its beyond me to understand why if they are the unimpaired ones, they cannot support what you need at the time. I, being AS have often supported people in meltdowns and not put more fire into the situation and it always works, the people naturally calm down and then they are ready for dialogue.

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    1. That's the biggest complaint I have heard from the whole autistic community is that we're never sufficiently left alone to calm down before expected to have a dialogue. Sometimes, I'm talking, and ranting in a way that looks like I'm encouraging dialogue, and solutions, but I could not be furthest from it!

      Thanks for your comment.

      Delete

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